hari ibu yang harus aku lalui dengan ringisan khas menstruasi, crampy abdominal pain yang lebih dari 10 tahun terakhir selalu aku rasakan. yang ternyata adalah HPHT (Hari Pertama Haid Terakhir) untuk kehamilan pertamaku.
23 januari 2015
testpack perdana dengan dua garis merah, setelah puluhan testpack yang selama setahun terakhir menemani hari hari pre menstruasiku. Dari sangat bersemangat, sampai akhirnya males sendiri testpack. Kata papa tunggu telat seminggu aja baru testpack. tapi hari ini beda, aku tau ada yang tidak biasa pada tubuhku, dengan melawan segenap rasa takut kecewa, kuputuskan untuk testpack, and it was a miracle. like when you see a light of a heli above you after floating in the mid of the ocean without any food supply left and you're just actually ready to throw yourself to be an energy to any shark.
That's how mimi think about you dear. a miracle.
17 februari 2015
im 25 YO!!!
i have all of the bless a 25 yo woman could ever ask for. a family that love me so much, a husband that give his all to make me happy, a new career opportunity, a chance to be obgyn resident. what else can i ask, except to ask God to please make all these good things last forever.
and days went perfectly fine. i had a wonderful babymoon in bandung for a week, just the three of us. Biarpun selalu ada sedikit ketakutan dihatiku, "gimana kalau ternyata BO?". Berkali kali aku ngulang2 bilang gitu ke kak aidyl, and he said, "jangan dipikirin terus, malah stress sendiri nanti."
Ntah ini naluri seorang ibu, atau parno seorang dokter umum, atau cuma part of my semi-histrionik personality, this thought bothers me a lot.
20 februari 2015
Kak Aidyl sengaja pulang kepalembang karena emang hari sabtu disana libur, trus juga demi nemenin istrinya ini USG lagi, buat lihat "is kakbay really there". and once again, we cant see you, dear our little one. just like the past 5 USG we've been through.
papa udah bilang, "kayaknya bener ga tumbuh embrionya kak"
and i was torn into pieces. my heart was reaped from my chest. my mind blown up.
but i said to myself, " kamu kuat cha, harus kuat, ga boleh nangis disini, nanti aja tunggu cuma berdua kak aidyl". seandainya mata bisa juga fakesmile kayak bibir, dan ga pake acara bengkak tiap abis nangis, mungkin ga akan terlalu keliatan nestapanya. Mungkin beneran cuma kak aidyl yang tau betapa nestapanya istrinya waktu itu.
God create me as an expressive extrovert. everything i felt shown. ga akan bisa aku keliatan seneng pas lagi sedih, begitu juga sebaliknya. jadi ya gitu, sekampung tau betapa nestapanya aku waktu itu.
Then again, i still have to thank God for letting me be a moeslem. With faith on my heart, i know i have to let everything happen on God's will, i have to be strong, to level up my patience. God put me in this situation because God knows how strong i can be. Kun fayakun.
26 februari 2015
the bloody shows.
mulai awalnya cuma bercak lendiri coklat abis pipis, the blood keep showing more and more. everytime the blood drops, i feel like my heart being smashed with a giant hammer of thor.
for a day, i kept it secret from anyone else. there's still hope in me. Mungkin ini cuma Ab iminens biasa, yang obatnya ya cuma bedrest total. Tapi, sebagai dokter umum yang cuma tau sedikit, the worries still hanging there. Kalo emang kakbay ga tumbuh, cepet atau lambat ia emang bakal keluar sendiri, tubuhku sendiri yang akan menolaknya. i need to make sure kakbay wasnt really there to let the abortus going or else, if kakbay was there, i need to have a proper bedrest in hospital. Dua kemungkinan ini keep echo-ing in my head.
at near the evening, i decided to let my husband knew. then he told me, to tell my parents no matter what will happen. (Oh i love you so much dear suamiku *smooch*)
akhirnya malem jumat aku kasi tau mama papa. mereka bilang USG malem aja, tapi aku masih butuh waktu untuk menenangkan diriku sendiri. i was too desperate. so i decided to just grieved and slept.
27 februari 2015
pagi nya, bangun tidur fleknya makin banyak. mau ga mau, aku harus USG dulu.
jadi janjian sama papa ke graha. mom was with me, like she always have for all my life, oh mom i love you so much. Gessac kakbay sudah irregular, and we still cant find him/her in the sacs. You're died so tiny we could not even seen you.
Papa bilang, "kita coba bikin jadi Ab komplit ya kak, besok kyai pulang minum obat M nya tiap jam, tapi bakal mules, kalo setelah itu bersih, ga usah kuret"
i know it was really hard for him to tell his eldest that she must accept the miscarriage with a wide heart and open mind. being an obgyn for ur own daughter isnt always be easy.
abis USG, aku masuk kerja di RS lagi, bukan karena kerajinan, cuma aku tau, aku cuma akan nangis meraung2 kalau dibiarin sendirian dirumah, jadi lebih baik menyibukkan diri.
Sabtu, 28 februari 2015
Harusnya jadi hari menyenangkan, hari akhirnya suamiku pulang dari satu bulannya di bandung. Sudah sempet bikin rencana buat makan sop kambing abis jemput dia dari bandara, terus pergi spa, terus leha2 dikamar, sekedar ketawaketiwi guling2 sambil ngemil. But God has another big history for us to make. To let our love grow into a higher level.
10.30
saatnya ke bandara untuk menjemput suamiku. tak lupa kubawa obat M di tas. (obat sengaja tidak disebutkan dan dijelaskan lebih lanjut karena takut disalahgunakan). Pergi jemput sama ibu (mertua), udah dibawain susu beruang, buku doa, sama banyak kata2 penghibur. see, everyone love us, dear my miracle.
13.30
we finally home. masih belum makan obatnya, alesannya, karena belum makan siang, sebenernya, i still have a lil denial of what was going to happen dan sedikit ketakutan bakalan ngerasain HIS layaknya orang mau melahirkan.
14.00-16.00
setelah bujuk rayu suami, pendarahan yang makin banyak, dan HIS yang makin sering, akhirnya obat itu aku minum. tiap jam 1 butir.
HIS makin sering dan makin menjadijadi. for everypain i feel, my sorrow was gone, masked by the excruciating pain of HIS any delivering mom should survive. but every othertime, when the pain gone, the sorrow hit my back right in the center of my heart, cold and sharp.
Ya Allah, kau tunjukkan aku rasanya melahirkan pada 9 minggu kehamilanku. Kau berikan aku cobaan untuk mengenalkan aku sedikit rasanya melahirkan.Aku hanya bisa berharap dan berdoa, suatu saat, aku akan mencoba lagi rasa sakit ini dengan hati gembira, sambil menanti buah hatiku yang sehat dan tumbuh sempurna. Because, the pain and the sorrow i had these past few days is so huge i dont feel like i can survive, but then, i survived. And i realize, with all the loving people around me, i can survive it again when the time come, to meet my babies.
17.00
pendarahannya lebih banyak, tapi tidak cukup banyak. Aku bahkan belum menemukan "gumpalan darah seperti hati ayam". sampai beberapa menit setelah papa bilang gini "kalau ga cukup banyak, kemungkinan akan tetep dikuret karena belum bersih". blub. blub. rasanya ada yang jatuh di pembalut, pas diliat, beneran gumpalan darah seperti hati ayam. i was numb for a few second. i didnt know should i be happy or sad. but all i needed to do was just bear it all. both the pain and the sorrow.
sakitnya luar biasa, aku harus selalu mencengkram tangan suamiku ketika rasa sakit itu datang. Ini pasti alesan papa mama bilang tunggu kak aidyl aja minum obatnya.
having him around me, on the roughest time like this is a gift. God loves me, that's why He tested me. bukan begitu?
setiap kali kugenggam erat tangannya, matanya akan menampilkan sorot kesedihan yang dalam. i knew, he loves me so much that it hurt him seeing me in pain. For every stroke he had on my hairs, for every jokes and franks he had every other time, i knew, he want me to stop grieving and laugh instead. And since that day, i love him even more, suamiku.
19.00
Papaku itu seorang konsulen obgyn yang cukup terkenal di sumatera selatan. Ask his students, colleagues, or patients how professional he is. But then, in my case, when he has to make a decision to his own daughter, i know he had too much worry a doc should has. Bahkan mau kuret malem ini atau besok aja, papa kayak ragu sendiri, mungkin lebih tepatnya bingung, he put his personal feeling into the decision. i know. Sometime he hug me, or stroke my hairs. he isnt saying much but i know, he wanted to say "everything is alright, papa disini nak"
Seeing your daughter/inlaw in a deep sorrow and pain is not an easy task for any parents. i tried so hard not to make my parents sad. i tried so hard to hold my tears in front of them. but then again, they know me like their back of hand, sometimes better than myself, my swelling eyelid, my sorrowful gaze, my fake smiles was just too obvious. I was so sorry to worry you all. I love you, mama, papa, ayah, ibu.
Rencana awal papa akhirnya, besok pagi kuretnya, jd aku boleh makan.
Lalu mama papa pergi takziah, sementara aku masih tetep meringkuk di sofa depan TV, sambil dipeluk suamiku , sambil tetep genggam erat tangannya kadang sampai menitikkan airmata ketika HIS datang, (kecuali pas dia lagi beli kepiting keluar, aku cuma ngobrol2 ga jelas sama ayu) sambil pura2 fokus sama TV padahal sekarang aja ga inget nonton apa, sambil sesekali ke WC untuk buang si "gumpalan darah seperti ati ayam". the pain getting worse by time. And to make things even worse, itu efek samping obat M muncul semua. mual, muntah, dan diare. Tapi harus tetep bersyukur, masih bisa merasakannya dirumah yang nyaman, dengan fasilitas yang baik. Suddenly i feel very very sick.
21.00
Rasa sakit itu membuatku lupa akan kesedihan. rasa sakit ini mengingatkanku siapasiapa yang peduli, siapa siapa yang mencintaiku. suamiku, mama papa ayah ibu, adik2ku, sahabat2ku. knowing that you all supporting my little family is a huge things to me. May God love you all unconditionally and showered you all with His blessing throughout your days and nights.
Papa mama pulang, trus nanya gimana pendarahannya, karena disimpulkan kalau perdarahannya ga se masif yang diinginkan, papa langsung bilang kuret aja malem ini. kebeneran, satu porsi kepiting sama nasi2nya udah keluar semua lagi beberapa menit sebelumnya. dan aku rasanya sudah ga sanggup lagi kalau harus minum satu lagi obat M, lebih parah lagi sakitnya, tapi belum pasti juga ga akan dikuret lagi. dan aku kasian liat kak aidyl harus susah hatinya liat istrinya ini kesakitan terus. i know it wasnt my decision, it was God's will, but still, i feel like making a decision to end US. Maaf ya sayang, mimi ga bisa jagain kamu dengan baik. but you know i didnt mean to, right?
Diperjalanan, God has his own way to make things so sweet, kali ini papa yang nyetir dan minta kak aidyl duduk disampingku, dibangku tengah. mobil di starter. lalu lagu pertama yang ke-play adalah : All of me by john legend. Jadi berasa lagi adegan film romantis gitu tiap HIS dateng. kugenggam sangat sangat amat erat tangan suamiku, di pukpuknya kepalaku dengan sorot mata penuh kesedihan, dan john legend tetep nyanyi. Lagu kedua lagunya kak aidyl, Cinta terbaik by Cassandra, lagu duet terbaik kami.
Allah itu baik banget, God know how to put a smile even in a battlefield.
22.30
persiapan kuret selesai, sudah saatnya masuk OK. dokter rizal anestesi yang akan me-IVA-ku, dengan dokter rizal sanif operatornya, dan satu orang lagi, dokter aidyl yang akan tetap ada disampingku.
How cool is that? Seandainya yang akan dilakukan adalah proses kelahiran bayi sehat aterm.
Mama yang keliatan banget paniknya bilang "kak, mama ga masuk ya". i know you were freaking out that night mom. i rarely saw you that way, but i know you were under stress. so i just nod. i know, i already have 3 great doctor with me, and i got my husband and daddy, so i'll be okay.
midazolam, mulai disuntikkan, kesadaranku mulai menurun. menurut cerita suamiku, aku cerita ngalur ngidul sama dokter rizal anes, cuma karena satu pertanyaan "kapan mulai pendarahan".
indeed, im an extrovert even when im not sober. hehe. Tapi beneran, aku ga inget sama sekali udah jawab pertanyaan ini, bahkan pas ditanyapun udah ga sadar lagi.
lalu masuklah propofol, dan aku tertidur, dan papa mulai mengerjakan bagiannya, paling cuma 10 menit kata kak aidyl. see, how can i try to believe in another obgyn when i have the best in town of my own. I'll be like you someday pap. someday near future.
I was in a deep sleep, like God know i wasnt even had a single deep sleep for this past month, God let me sleep soooo deep that night, without even any fearless dream.
00.30
i woke up, and saw all of my loving close people surrounded me. then one by one they left home, until there were just me and my husband left in the big room. That moment, when i still have to gather my consciousness, with my head so heavy i can barely sit straight, i realize, kakbay isnt with us anymore. I was too sleepy, i just lay down my head back, and ask my husband to slept next to me, and hugged me, and i slept as i said to my self, "you did everything you can, God has choose this path, just leave it all in His hand".
Makasi kakbay, udah ngeliatin mimi sisi lain dari hidup mimi sendiri.
See, i've told you, you're a miracle. and you will always be. Bye sayang. You're too good for the earth, my miracle.p.s
for all the grammar nazi. im sorry for the inconsistency of tenses used here. Ketahuilah mataku makin bengkak seiring dengan bertambah panjangnya pos ini. tapi semoga, Raissa bisa makin tegar. The show must go on. You've waited a year for this 9 weeks, God had gave you once, and i know Gos will give me more of it. Next time for a 9months and 10 days. Amin Ya Allah
And now, im officially a 25 yo G0P0A1.
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